Snusmumriken

Jag har en vän som vet att han har hittat hem
Fast han aldrig sett sig om
Jag har en till och hon kan aldrig sitta still
Hon har alltid nåt på gång

Ibland så vill jag följa med
Ibland så står jag helst bredvid
Ibland så vet jag inte vad jag vill
Eller vad jag vill se

Men jag avundas er för ni ser nåt som jag inte ser
Ibland så känns det som ni lever så mycket mer

Mimikry

During most of my still relatively short life, I’ve been continuously looking for someting else. Something that wasn’t what I was currently doing. No matter what I’ve been doing, or where my life has been going, I’ve been longing to be somewhere else, doing other things. For most of my childhood, I always had some sort of an escape plan.

I guess it made me behave a bit strangely. When I was eleven for instance, I always carried fishing gear, and although a fishing line, a sharp knife and a ball of string hardly makes it possible to survive, it reminded me that I always had the possibility of leaving. I used to borrow “how to survive in the wilderness” and “which plants out there are edible” - books from the local library, so that i would be able to survive in the wilderness, and I wrote lists discussing whether I thought the shore or the woods would be the ideal place to settle.

But someting has happened during the last half year.

I realised during my exams this december, that my thoughts weren’t wandering like they did some years ago. Earlier years, I have always been browsing for other subjects of study during my exams. This year I didn’t, because I know I have ended up just where I want to be. Earlier, I’ve been looking for study abroad programs, or plane tickets for a country far away. This year I didn’t.

It feels weird to be at peace like this. To know that my field of study is what I want to keep on doing, and that my hobbies are best suited to keep on being hobbies. To know that some people are restless and lonely, even when everyting is the way it should.

It feels good to relax, but it also feels a bit strange. I wonder if I’ll get used to it.

There’s a part of my personality that, depending on how you look at it can be either horrible and gruesome, or nice and useful. The thing is: I can’t stand to not know stuff, no matter what it is. Aksel insists that I’m a reneissance man to begin with, but i guess it’s not enough, cause I keep stumbling into conversations that makes me feel unprepared for life. Yeah yeah, talking to interesting people who knows alot about something is nice and inspiring, but mostly “inspiring” means that it makes me want to read a thousand books just to be better prepared for casual conversation, cause I want conversation, not a lecture. I want to have something equally interesting to come up with. At least when it comes to the interesting parts of life, and I’ve yet to stumble upon something that’s not vaguely interesting. These days, interesting people are everywhere, which makes me want to read more books than I have the time to read. It’s nice, but it’s niceness mixed with a hint of frustration.

Yesterday, I went shopping, and who says shopping isn’t fun. I bought myself a shiny new radio. I guess it’s childish of me, but now that I have a new toy I want to play with it. I want to find all the channels and stuff. It’s white and DABby and in my eyes rather nifty. It makes me happy. Then I bought those little pins that prevents the strings from spioinking off the guitar. Now I want to play with the guitar, which has been impossible during all of last week, mostly because of all the spioinking.

But rather than playing with my new toys, I ended up in front of Trondsmo with Mikael and his friend whom I hadn’t talked to since we did Museology together. And we were spending an unreasonable amount of time on getting Don Rosa to sign our books. For me just entering Trondsmo is a recipe for bankrupcy. It is after all my favourite bookshop, with all the nice books with the nice pictures in them, and all the novels, the poetry, the political books and the comics. This queue went incredibly slowly past every single shelf in the shop, so that I had the time to pick up every book that looked even vaguely interesting, read a bit, and then, reluctantly, put it back on the shelf. Now I ended up restricting my purchases to two books, in addition to the Life and Times of scrooge McDuck. I felt very clever, and I even met Mr. Rosa at the end of the line.

When the day ended I was eating sushi on Mikael’s bed while watching the first season of Black books. I like living, - but then again. What’s not to like these days? When walking around in Oslo, I catch myself being dumbstruck with how beautyful the city, the weather and the people is. How good the coffee tastes. How autumn is one of my favourite weathers. How soft and worn my clothes are.

It’s like I’m finally off an anti-emotion drug I didn’t know I was taking.

***
Sometimes I wonder how the Beautyful Maud can sing without blushing. 1-2-3-4 creates fur in my tummy.

Shit. It’s three o clock, and every time I’ve sat down to study, I’ve been interrupted with cakes and coffees. It’s been nice, but I guess I should jam some hours of studying before the fortid-meeting at six O’clock. Yosh!

When I woke up today, I was really dizzy. Even more dizzy than when I went to bed. I went to school, and it took some time before I realised that the dizzyness was caused by hunger.

After about an hour of being at school, I went home to pick up my credit card which I dizzily had forgotten. I opened the front door, and promptly realised that the person who lives next to the lift had changed his door decorations. I also noticed that they had changed the glass in the lift door, and that the lift suddenly had gone slightly off center.

I shrugged, entered the lift and clicked on the button with the bright “7″ on it, although the buttons weren't on the right side of the lift enymore. They were on the left. But on the 7th floor, it was like seeing our hallway in a mirror. My keys didn’t fit either. It was deeply unsettling.

I suddenly got suspicious, until I relised that I was in the wrong house. Not only was I dizzy, but I had forgotten where I lived. The world is out to eat me. That my keys worked is a bit strange. No wonder that I thought I was in a world of insane mirroring.