I guess it’s time for a public service announcement. I didn’t do it before because I really didn’t want to spill the blood online while the wound was still fresh. Aksel dumped me a bit more than a week ago, and it happened on our one year anniversary. I’m not doing too well, but I’m coping. I’ve already gone through all those phases, the lying in bed for two days reading novels without eating. The slightly more constructive reading novels and eating, but then vomiting because i couldn’t hold the food. Then onto the whole being sad, but coping.
I’ve been trying to do something (that would normally be) fun every day, and i’ve been out of the house, looking around in the neighbourhood every day, and i’m making foods i haven’t made before. I’ve written a comic-diary about how i’ve been doing (that noone will ever read), and i’ve been playing guitar for hours almost every day. At least there is enough room in my head now, that i can talk to people without sounding mean and annoyed. That was hard during those first few days.
I’m still rather down because of it. It’s like someone erased my ability to feel things, like being depressed and on anti-depressants at the same time. I’m numb. It’s like I don’t experience life like I used to. Not the pain, but sadly not the good things either. In fact trying to have fun is like trying to light a cigarette in thick fog: it takes several attempts, and when it finally catches the flame, it won’t burn well. I still sleep more than what’s normal for me. Ten to twelwe hours every night, but slowly even that’s improving. I just need to start school and have something worthwhile to do, and i think i’ll be allright.
I’m not angry or upset or anything. I know that people fall out of love all the time, - i’ve dumped people before too, and this time it all happened decently. Trying to feed some hint of anger that I have won’t work, and it won’t comfort me. I’m really sad though, because i thought that “having found someone with whom i’m such good friends and always have a good time with, the search has ended. This might be the man.” And it saddens me to know that I was wrong. There are so many things i’ve never had before, that I’ve had with him. Noone before has looked at me, and made me feel loved like that before, just by looking at me. But at least now I know how good things can be. I can use that for later. There are still things that I haven’t experienced. For instance i’ve never received flowers from a man. I guess I’m saving that for my fifth and improved relationship. I think I’ll be allright.
Today was one of those perfect early autumn days. Days where teenage me always went for a walk in the woods, but which adult me haven't had hte same ability to enjoy. I was on my way to Anna and Ingrid’s party, when I realised that Ingrid had given me the wrong time. I was an hour early, and rather than arriving before everyone else, I chose to sit down in the sun and enjoy the weather. I had borrowed “strangers in paradise” from Mikael and it hit me in that wistful, sweet, awfully wrong spot. So I found a place in the sun, leaning my back towards the warm wood of an old, lumber barn. I ate some chocolate and cinnamon coated almonds I had brought with me, I smoked a few cigarettes. I found a lock shaped like a heart and with the sun shining through the foliage, I read the rest of the comic. I cried a bit, but it was because of the comic, not because of myself. That’s what I love about life. Even in the middle of all the badness there are these perfect moments that makes it worth all the hassle.
The party was magnificent. There were loads of old and new people and people I almost never see, And there was wine and melon and warm rum punch, which is the tastiest thing i’ve ever tasted, and discussions and conversation and it was all nice and warm and fuzzy. Someone i’ve never met before even told me i was amazing, in an honest voice. There’s a sore point somewhere down in my belly who really needed to hear that. I stayed til three o’clock, when me and Ida realised that we live only 8 minutes walk apart, so we shared a cab home.
I guess life sucks sometimes. Then again, - sometime’s it’s as good as any life can be.
